How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
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Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Boating season is upon us.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?