Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
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[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade