My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
You Might Also Like
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked