I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
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Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?