I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Battery falling down a hole
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.