Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
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Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza