[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
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me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.