*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
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guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
🤣🤣
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.