My diet starts in January
of 2027
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Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.