DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
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I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…