Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front