If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
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Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.