Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
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No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Not all heroes wear capes…
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”