Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
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Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
welp
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
That’s amazing.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.