My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
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My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?