Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
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6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend