DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”