Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
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If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up