6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
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[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.