Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
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I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
the only organized thing in my life is crime
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.