i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Finally!
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Nothing.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
girls literally only want one thing..
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught