People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.