6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
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5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
fourth time’s the charm
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?