1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
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BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I’m not stressed
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
2022 will be better than 2021
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
This is painfully accurate 😅
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.