[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
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My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit