does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
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7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
PARKOUR
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style