Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂