My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
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My dad.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Message from the dog groomers
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.