me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
You Might Also Like
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?