Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
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I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
😂 amazing answer
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
first you must answer his riddles
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.