Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
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I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
somebody come look at this
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Goodnight 🐶
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
When news reporters do sports stories
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence