Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
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that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.