Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
You Might Also Like
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
✌️
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart