Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Breakfast for Stoners:
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.