Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
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Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination