if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
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Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
i think we should see other cousins
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..