Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
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When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
*mops up wine with cat*
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.