There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
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Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”