People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
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CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos