A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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shit just got real
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.