When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
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My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
As the best book lists of 2021 drop