George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
You Might Also Like
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
#math
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.