Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
📽️movie date🎞️
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997