When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
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3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
what’s the point then??
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.