there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
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John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.