You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
You Might Also Like
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
A leaf blower, but for people.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that