I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
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[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?