When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
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everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat