LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
You Might Also Like
my sentiments exactly
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Something Saturday.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.