[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
You Might Also Like
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Check out the legs on this baby
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children